Brian Sullivan

I was going to ask you about your Valentine’s Day. I wanted to ask you if you were able to give your lover what they moist yearned for.
Did you enjoy a beautiful, caring and sharing time together in intimate serenity was thepurpose of this message.
I wish I could tell you my Valentine’s Day was wonderful,
Valentine’s Day, day of love and a celebration of appreciation for all things beautiful in your partner, was for me saddened by an explosion.
The Indian city of Pune, my fiancé Rachana’s home city, was rocked by an explosion in a popular German Bakery on the evening of the 13th. The suburb of Koregaon Park houses the Osho Ashram and a Jewish prayer house led by Chabad emissary Rabbi Kupchik.
Rachana is safe and there is no point asking why on a personal level. Knowing the reasons behind the attack may help discover the perpetrators of nine murders.
However, it will not heal the 60 injured.
There is a lot to be gained by asking What Next? How can I turn this emotional sledging into a powerful to be a better partner, husband, lover and friend.
I had initially intended this news letter to be about Valentine’s Day. I wanted to ask you how did you celebrate (– by the way please let us know!) I want to know what you do to get your man and keep him.
However, in all relationships there are challenges. Some are caused by distance, others by circumstance and more often we harm ourselves.
It seems to me that the lesson to be learned is the power of appreciation.
Marketing professor Jeff Galak of Carnegie Mellon University claimed lover are like little children who suffer from “variety amnesia” and like forget the past variety and excitement of their past shared love.
Dr David Sanford goes so far as to suggest that a marriage that has lulled into a void of routine may lack fights, but then if it lacks the excitement of emotional exchange it can be just as dead.
While I think there are better ways to handle love than argue he makes a strong point
‘”No troubles at all” may mean no challenge, no emotion, no surprises, no change; in other words boring. Some marriages do die of boredom he states.
That is why some ‘perfect’ marriages just seem to end.
However, as an aside, most infidelity comes in the first two years of a relationship and not when marriage has become tired and boring.

So how can you love thrive under challenge?
Dana Hudapohl asked a bunch of experts for Redbook and listed five important ingredients.
You see it seems that it’s more common to unintentionally wind up in an affair.
Now before you email me with the obvious ‘Surely an affair is no accident!’ line, couples therapist and psychology professor Douglas Snyder explains that when people are suffering the inevitable distress reaching out needing consolation when it seems that their lover is unavailable.
Perhaps you have had a fight and the young girl in the office just seems to understand her maternal caring spirit is awaken to your need for nurture.
Or you are met by a very sympathetic – and good looking tradesperson who sympathizes in your moments of isolation.
“People who have accidental affairs have no thoughts of being unfaithful,” says Snyder. “It’s not even consistent with their values system, but the opportunity presents itself.”
While I assure you no Pune bomb will tempt me into the arms of another, it is important to find solace in your lover rather than to seek greener pastures.
Rather than pretend it will never happen to me, one of the best way to resist temptation is self analysis.
“Here’s the best way to prevent affairs” says marriage therapist Barry McCarthy. “Rather than saying, ‘We will never have one,’ instead think of the kind of person, situation and mood that would make you vulnerable,”
We must know what situations to avoid and what qualities to develop.
Dana Hudapohl advises
1. Be each other’s number one confidant. Emotional intimacy should remain with your partner alone, not a shared confidant of the opposite sex.
2. Make time to connect on a regular basis.
3. Don’t let family time squeeze out just-the-two-of-you time..
4. Recognize when you’re temporarily attracted to someone else. It doesn’t mean you r marriage is doomed – you simply don’t act on it.
5. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your relationship. If you need a confidant, have friend who will support and encourage you to stick together, not a worry buddy who will let you spill your guts about your lover.
While the above advice is mostly relationship protective, how can you build on the emotional glue to love?
There is a great danger in developing negative neurological associations with your lover. In a relationship where you see each other daily, this is so easy to do.
Fear can add to the problem.
For some reason, you are angry with your spouse. You have a choice, talk about it, or bottle it up.
One way may seem counterintuitive.  If you feel upset with your partner bottling it up will only numb your emotional flexibility, said David Sanford.
While It may prevent a potential issue at first, it is better to express your feeling appropriately.
Otherwise, we will develop a well of negative association with our partner.
How can you talk to a woman when you unexplainably numbed in her presence?
Suddenly the mere name of your lover, that once excited passionate heaven sent ecstasy, now  recalls a numbed fear based uncertainty that is anchored in your neurology.
She becomes a function of life – the peripheral ‘mother of my children’ or he is  ‘the old man.’
Work, while important to sustain the family, becomes our a source of satisfaction, with family placed a distant second or third.
The multidimensional facet’s of dynamic love life, more faceted than the moist beautiful diamond ring, becomes a one dimensional flat façade. We sleep, eat even have sex together, but love becomes a vague hazy memory.
Predictable and boring the love that set us free in the heavens can crash land in mediocrity.
Or we can look within and find the stimulating energy that empowers yourself and refuels your love.
“Finally, you are forced to suffer a boring marriage when you don’t know how to make it interesting” said David Sanford.
“As a nation, we have become so dependent on the “entertainment industry” for stimulation that we have lost the ability to stimulate ourselves and, thus, to draw forth what is interesting in our partners.”
So whether you Valentine’s was perfect, or was explosively disrupted, can you – Both of you – empower  the creative imaginative flare within each other?
Remember, if fear can be anchored in to your neurology, so can excitement and love.
When we first are attracted to someone, what was that magical spark that caught your eye? Usually it was something vibrant and exciting.
Have you ever watched a man or woman worth animal magnetism?
They find energy, begin a conversation , keep the energy high and never allow a potential suitor to experience an awkward silence or negative feeling with them.
They enjoy an inner game of psychological mastery that is irresistible. The trick is to retain those skills in normal family life.
They anchor, layer upon layer, positive feelings about themselves. Soon they appear irresistible.
However, the reverse is also true. Relationships may survive big drama’s – but it’s the constant destroying negativity that eats away at love. Those little, and often ignored, feelings that numb us.
So layer love and joy with your soul mate. Find in every joyful smile a moment to celebrate. Seek in his actions every little moment to show gratitude and build stitch by stitch, kindness by kindness, the majestic cloak of love – a royal raiment of devotion crowned by love, appreciation and passion.
Don’t just get your woman, or get your  man.
Find the woman of your dreams, layer appreciation and gratitude upon her in every word you speak. Every time she thinks of you will bring back a smile to her face and renew in that moment your passion and devotion.

Better by far you forget and smile than you should remember and be sad - Christina Rosetti
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