Brian Sullivan



“We create our own reality” says William Lee Rand founder and president of The International Center for Reiki Training.”But when calamity strikes, how many of us take credit for our misfortune.”
“Frequently, when something negative happens to us, resentment, anger and fear begin to take over making it difficult to avoid blaming others or to blame circumstances that are seemingly beyond our control.”
This can in itself lead to a number of reactions.
People blame you because they think you should do something different. Or you blaming circumstances, including others, for your problems.
Either way, the act of blaming another, especially the emotional investment wasted in it, is a projection of our own shadow side onto another person.
John Demartini beleives that marriages, and I suggest, all closer relationships, in family, business and social, reflect our need to express the hidden shadow within us.
As Kabbalah argues, we experience the light of divinity through the our life experience, but our experience is in fact the opposite, the surface that divinity reflects.
In other words, we need the opposites in life, to be forced to face the changes we must make in ourselves.
I know in my own past, I argued strongly for flexibility, without realizing that there can be benefits for some in a fixed routine, bith physically and spiritually.
I described myself as “Intolerant of intolerance, and inflexible against inflexibility.” Of course, like a former smoker who attacks the smoking or other smokers, or like an alacoholic whi fights every day not to slip back off the wagon, I was damning myself in admitting my own shadow self.
Sometimes the most knowledgeable people are the worst teachers.
“The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate” said Carl Jung.
“That is to say, when the individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner opposite, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposing halves.”
“Well then, how can I deal with that person who is annoying me, even if I may have attracted it?” you say.
Rather than blame others, or try to gain sympathy by spreading doom and gloom about others, we should recognize why a person acts as they do.
“when a person treats you poorly, it is usually because he does not feel good about himself” said David Lieberman Ph. D. in How to Change Anybody: Proven Techniques to Reshape Anyone's Attitude, Behavior, Feelings, or Beliefs “The solution is simple. If you give him what he needs emotionally, then he will treat you like pure gold”
Lieberman’s techniques have been used corporations in 25 counties, including the FBI and US Navy.
Consider a few situations.

Technique: Change How you react

People constantly belittle and embarrass you.
Show Genuine enthusiasm.
As soon as you see that person, find something to be enthusiastic about. There is alwys something. Smile, show genuine appreciation, and you will disarm the persons negativity before it begins, wears you down and brings out your own shadow self.
As the Christian Bible puts it “'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head'" (Romans 12:20)
Once a person is on your side its so much easier to lead them to what you want.
Show respect
“This is known as reciprocal affection” wrote Lieberman. ‘We tend tend to admire, respect, and like someone once we are told that he has these same feelings for us.”
Be supportive
When a person stuffs up, chances are they know it. They don’t need you to tell them so.
Rather, offer support, letting them know you can assist, but don’t take away their initiative.
Let them know you appreciate them
Sadly, we often only say nice thing when we make mistakes.
Be proactive, and give appreciation.
“One nice word is worth a hundred after the fact” said Lieberman.
Allow the person to give to you
Sometimes the greatest gift is the thank you genuinely offer when a person has given to you.
There are 3 reasons for this:
  • We feel closer to whatever, or whoever, you invest in. Let them invest in you.
  • It makes the other person feel better about themselves, giving them a sense of control
  • Giving causes psychological dissonance This means that since they unconsciously conclude we must now have a favorable impression of them. Then it is easier for them to convince themselves, you can’t be too bad afterall.
Besides, if people begin to feel good around you, they are less likely to criticize.

Train him about how you want to be treated

Mary is a verbal bully
Often people begin to treat us in ways they feel they can get away with around us.
Imagine, Mary describes you as incompetent in a group.
When appropriate approach her in private and say “Mary, I’m sure you didt mean anything by it, gbut whatyou said was offensive.”
She will either:
  • Apologise, so say thankyou and end the conversation.
  • Defensively accuse you of being too sensitive, even claim she was trying to help.
In this case, simply say “I’m sure your reasons were good, but what you said was offensive too me.” End the conversation and don’t debate.
(If they try to argue, simply repeat the statement and leave).

Outsmart Him

The school bull, Jack, y who pours out Jimmy’s milk every lunch hour in front of a crowd
As the Bully approaches, Jimmy calls out to everyone, Jimmy calls out
“Look everyone, here comes Jack, the Bully. Watch how important he is; because he’s bigger, he can pour my milk out . Wow!”
Then Jimmy pour the milk out in front of Jack, denyin Jack the feeling of importance he derives by his dominating others in public.
Or if Jane humiliates people in public you could turn the tables.
“OK, everone, be quiet now and give Jane your full attention, because she doesn’t get enough at home. OK, go ahead, Jane. You can humiliate me now.”
Personally, I think Outsmart Him is a last resort, but with bullies its sometimes the only language they understand.
The problem is that the issue in our shadow self still remains and needs addressing.
“The unconscious mind can have both healthy and unhealthy aspects and it is the unhealthy aspects that are often called the Shadow Self” said Rand.
“By working through the power of the unconscious mind, the Shadow Self is responsible for creating our unwanted experiences. Therefore, the only meaningful way to prevent unwanted experiences from taking place is by getting to know the Shadow Self and then to help it heal.”
As Rand points out, we have often been taught to not express our feelings. True, there are good and bad ways to do it.
“When we block our feelings unwanted feelings don’t simply go away, but accumulate in the unconscious mind, still very much alive and often even more angry and resentful for having been rejected in such an uncaring way.”
They seem to feed on themselves and build up to the point that they create our life’s difficulties.
“ Unwanted experiences are actually a reflection of our own Shadow Self” said Rand.
“This means that if there is someone in your personal life that you have strong negative feelings about and wish would go away, it is your Shadow Self that has attracted them to you and caused you to feel the way you do toward them.”
It also means that your nemesis also has the a similar problem that they are criticizing you for.
“It is likely that the characteristics of this unwanted person that you dislike the most are characteristics of your Shadow Self.”
Many times it is not what a person says but the emotions and fears that are triggered that are the issue.
It is possible that the criticism is correct which is why it hurts. It could also be that it is off the mark but triggered an unresolved hurt.

So how can we face our Shadow Self?

The shadow self exists because these feelings were ignored or denied. Once we recognize that our experience is from our shadow self then the process of self discovery and healing is possible.
“If you are to heal, it is necessary to reverse the process by paying attention to the Shadow Self and accept it as part of yourself. When you begin to do this, only then is it possible to heal” says Rand.
When the shadow self feels accepted it will be much easier to deal with others.
Unconsciously, the people who reacted to us, will also feel at ease and tensions will ease.
This is why EFT, Sedona, meditation Ho opono Pono and Reiki are so powerful.
Using the reflective method taught by Socrates we begin to discover and accept our self. The hurt child within stops screaming for attention and our world mirrors our inner calm.
As a Reiki master, Rand offers the Reiki solution.
I offer the method in full:
“if there is someone in your life that is causing you grief, and you would like to use this experience to get to know your Shadow Self better and to heal, meditate on the feelings you have toward the person” he said.
“Then ask yourself, “Is there a part within myself that is similar to this person?””
“As you do this, locate where in your body or energy field these feelings and/or the part resides. Direct Reiki energy there with your hands. Use the mental/emotional symbol along with the power symbol or the master or other Reiki symbols you feel would be helpful if you have them
As you do this, speak to the Reiki energy with your mind and ask it to show you the part of yourself that has attracted this experience into your life. This can bring up hidden aspects of yourself that you have been unaware of, but need attention.
When you begin to feel the part, let it know that you are sorry for ignoring it for such a long time. Tell it you would like to get to know it better and to help it heal. This process may feel uncomfortable at first, but continue sending Reiki and it will help you work with your emerging Shadow Self.
Allow yourself to have compassion toward the part(s) that come into your awareness. Continue to send Reiki and also, if you are open to it, say a prayer and ask for help from the Higher Power using whatever name feels comfortable to you. Continue sending Reiki, feeling compassion and looking into this part of yourself with the intent of understanding it and helping it to let go and heal.
As you do this continue to thank the Reiki energy and/or the Higher Power for its help. You may also include an affirmation such as, “I release all negative feelings into the Reiki energy to heal now” or similar words or other affirmations you feel are right.”
Rand suggests continueing until the session as long as needed and that it may need to be repeated until you have let go of all the negative feelings and you feel at peace.
The purpose of this approach is to turn our shadow self into an energizing ally empowering our conscious achievement.
“This is because the Shadow Self has what can be called a Radiant Self counterpart that becomes available when the Shadow Self begins to heal. The Radiant Self has the same abilities as the Shadow Self, but uses them to create benefits for you and to attract positive situations and experiences."
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